


Million Reasons

by tabbycat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Break Up, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22838752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbycat/pseuds/tabbycat
Summary: You're giving me a million reasons to let you go, but baby I just need one good one to stay.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Alice Longbottom
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6
Collections: Love Fest 2020





	Million Reasons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MidnightChardonnay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightChardonnay/gifts).



**1**

“I don’t even know why we’re doing this,” she said, her back up against the wall, hands pulling at his arse. An inch from her face, Sirius Black grinned. “You’re too young for me. There’s a million reasons we shouldn’t do this.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, his hair flopping forwards, brushing her forehead. “And yet here we are.”

“This is the last time,” she said. He grinned again, and she slapped him on the arse. “The last time,” she said, again.

“Alright,” he said. “The last time.”

She had to go up onto her tiptoes to kiss him, reaching her hand up along his back and into his hair to pull him down. It was worth it. That was the problem, she thought, as their lips met. It was always worth it. 

  
**2**

It wasn’t the last time. It was less than a week, in fact, before they were at it again.

“Fucking hell,” he said, his hands on her tits as she frantically unbuttoned his shirt. “Fucking hell, you’re amazing.”

“Shh,” she muttered. The buttons were too bloody small, and this was taking far too long. “Someone might hear.”

“Let them,” he said, but his voice lowered. “I don’t care if they know about this.” 

“It isn’t about knowing about this,” she said, finally, finally getting the buttons loosened and, with one tug, removing the shirt from him. “It’s about whether it’s appropriate to fuck at Headquarters.”

He reached for his wand from the pocket of his jeans and flicked it once at the door. “There. Better?”

“Marginally.” If she was honest, the whole issue around being caught had become increasingly less relevant since his shirt had come off, since his hand had disappeared down the top of her dress and into her bra. Her hands skimmed his chest, making their way slowly down towards his trousers. 

“This dress needs to come off,” he muttered into her neck, “if you don’t mind.” He pulled his hand out of her bra, and she let out a small, involuntary squeak. “If you’re interested.”

“Of course I’m fucking interested.” She pulled herself away from him and slipped the dress off herself, letting it pool onto the floor with a shake of her hips. “Are you?”

He grunted something she didn’t catch, following her across the room. Alice twisted away from his grasp, climbing onto the bed in the corner of the room. She stood herself on the faded, floral cover and unclipped her bra in a smooth motion, chucking it back down to him. Catching the look on his face as her tits bounced, she wriggled again.

“Use your words,” she said. 

“Yes,” he said, immediately, joining her, and pulling her downwards with him onto the mattress. “Bloody hell. You’re just,” he continued, between kisses to her neck, “perfect. Beautiful.” His hand went to her nipple, applying pressure in just the way she liked. She gasped, he grinned. “And you know what you like, don’t you?”

She did. Alice had never been one to mince her words. Hanging back, acting like you didn’t really want something that much at all, being coy; none of that was for her. It didn’t get you Head Girl, it didn’t get you the youngest qualifying Auror in fifty years, and it didn’t get you the man you wanted.

“Fuck me,” she said. 

He sat up, watching her. He was one of the most beautiful men she’d ever seen, if not to exist, Alice thought. Every part of him looked like it had been cut on purpose, copying some old renaissance painting or some model of a perfect man. Sirius Black. She’d never taken any notice of him before he’d waltzed into the Order the year before, and why would she have? He was five years younger, reckless, a liability half the time. The most handsome man that’d ever taken an interest in her.

Sirius’ hand reached out and tapped her lips, gently.

“Say please,” he said.

“Please.”

“I love you,” he muttered, and Alice ignored that, because it was for the best.

  
**3**

They ran as fast as they could, hands joined, as much out of practicality as anything else. Flames lit up the street behind them and along the left side of the street, Sirius outlined between Alice and the fire. She stumbled on a loose paving slab. He caught her, half pulling her along the path and into safety. They slammed into an alcove in a wall, her clutching his arm. He pulled out his wand and she fumbled for hers, too, both of them ready in case they were being followed. Nothing came from the path behind them, nothing except the sounds of fire and flames.

“You’re alright?” he asked, one eye still on the street. “You aren’t hurt, are you?”

“No. I’m fine.” Alice looked away from what they’d left behind long enough to scan her body for obvious injuries, and, then, his. “You?”

“Minor bleeding,” he said, nodding at his wand arm. “Nothing urgent.”

“Keep an eye out,” she said, “and I’ll take a look.” Sirius sighed, and nodded. Crossing behind him to get a better look, it was clear that he’d been right. She cast a couple of quick spells to knit the flesh back together and fight any infections or minor curse damage, and then turned her wand back to the street. “Anything?” she asked.

“Nah. Don’t think we’ve been followed.”

They’d both been in the Order over a year by this point. He’d joined straight from school, and she’d arrived six months before, having been recruited at the Auror training programme by Frank Longbottom. They’d both been here long enough to learn even a small amount of caution. Even if the coast looks clear, you don’t run back out.

“Good.” She tipped her head sideways onto his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her back. “We’d better wait it out here for a minute, I suppose.”

“Can think of things we could be doing while we’re waiting.”

“Sirius!” His hands migrated downwards to skim over her bum as he spoke. “We’re supposed to be staying alert!”

“I’ve been reliably informed, on many occasions, that women can multi-task.” One hand grabs at her arse, the other rising up to her boob. He squeezed, and she gasped. “See? So can I.”

“That,” she said, as his lips trailed down her neck, “doesn’t count.”

“Does too.”

It didn’t count, because they didn’t notice anything until they heard footsteps approaching.

“Shit,” Alice muttered, dragging him backwards and unlocking the door behind them with a flick of her wand. Sirius closed it, both of them safe inside what looked to be a hardware shop. Alice joined him at the window, casting spells with a mutter to conceal themselves from passers by.

“Dolohov,” said Sirius, as the man passed.

“There’ll be a back way out,” Alice suggested. 

“There will be,” Sirius replied, “but that doesn’t mean we have to use it.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because we have no idea how many of them are out there, no idea where he’s gone, no idea if he’s planning anything. Because this was supposed to be reconnaissance.”

“But he’s there.” Sirius began removing her web of spells from the door, his sleeves pushed up past his elbows. “He’s right there. Why not?”

You’ve got no bloody sense, that’s why. You can’t just tear into this things without a plan, Sirius, it’s madness.”

“By the time we’ve come up with a plan, he’ll be gone.” Sirius glared at her as he wrested his arm free. “I’m going after him. Up to you if you come.”

“Of course I’m coming,” she snapped. “I’m not going to let you get killed.”

“I’m not going to,” he began, as he stepped out of the door and a curse immediately whizzed over his head.

Alice leapt out behind him, wand ready. There were six Death Eaters, or six that she could see, and the two of them. She had a sudden, irresistible urge to say ‘I told you so’, except that Sirius wouldn’t hear her over the barrage of spells and shouting and the crashing of a lamppost to the floor not six inches from her body. This wasn’t even the first time. That was the worst part of all of this; this wasn’t the first time he’d completely fucking unnecessarily thrown them both into danger. She’d kill him, if he wasn’t quite capable of getting a Death Eater to do it for her.

Caught up in fighting and frustration, Alice almost didn’t notice Sirius crumple. Ducking the curse Dolohov had hurled her way rather than blocking it, she darted to him. It couldn’t be serious. It couldn’t be. He was an idiot, the worst, this was all his own stupid fault, but he couldn’t be hurt. Throwing a Shield Charm over the her shoulder as she skidded to a stop next to him, she grabbed at him and Apparated.

He collapsed to the floor the instant they landed, grabbing his left leg. The leg stuck out at an angle that was obviously wrong, and his face pale, but he was moving, twitching, alive. Something in her stomach relaxed, but only slightly. 

“Are you,” she asked, crouching down beside him immediately. 

“Alive? Yeah.”

“Idiot,” she muttered. “Fucking idiot.”

“What?”

“There were a million reasons why this was a terrible idea,” she continued. “It’s broken, you know. What were you thinking? If you were thinking at all.”

“I was thinking,” he retorted, his face slightly screwed up in pain that he was clearly trying to pretend didn’t exist, “that there was a Death Eater. That we should have been trying to get rid of. Fucking hell. Could you leave it alone?”

“No. Because it’s broken. _Ferula_.”

He grimaced. 

“You don’t need to be a twat about it.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t be, if this was the first time this had happened.”

“Fuck this,” he said, pulling himself upwards with a grunt. “I’m not sticking around for this.” He collapsed back down again within a second, his leg having given way underneath him.

“Looks like you are,” said Alice, entirely unnecessarily. “I’ll go and get Dorcas.”

“Fine.”

She couldn’t stand looking at his face right now, not for another second. She stayed anyway.

  
**4**

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have said some of the things I did.”

  
“No. Shit. Neither should I. You were right, anyway, I should have worked out it was a stupid idea.”

“Live and learn,” she said, and then remembered that wasn’t necessarily helpful. “Apology accepted.”

“Yeah. Apology accepted.”

She sat down on the bed next to him, where he’d been sent to rest and recuperate, and definitely not get into any more fights for at least three days. Dorcas’ words. 

“What did Dorcas say about shagging?”

“What?”

“You’re not allowed to get into fights, but…” she said, trailing off at the grin on his face.

“Ah, she didn’t say anything about that.”

She shouldn’t want him as much as she did, she thought, as he began to peel away at her clothes. She shouldn’t want him. This wasn’t even the first time he’d pulled a stunt like that, thrown everyone into danger, almost got himself killed. Sirius Black had absolutely no concern for his own life. That wasn’t supposed to be sexy.

Alice wasn’t sure she cared.

“I love you,” he muttered, running his hands through her hair. “Alice.”

  
**5**

Sirius promised he wouldn’t do this again. He promised that he wouldn’t, once again, throw himself into danger and to hell with the consequences. 

Of course he had. 

And of course Alice had gone after him. She traipsed the moorland with James Potter at her side, his face lined with worry, and hers probably not much better if she had access to a mirror. Sirius is Merlin-knows-where, though, and she doesn’t have time for that.

“He’s going to be fine,” said James, with actual confidence in his voice that it’d all work out fine.

Alice shrugged. “He’s an idiot. He shouldn’t have got himself into this situation.”

“Well, that’s unfair,” James began, “he’s - okay, yeah, he shouldn’t have. He was told not to, wasn’t he?”

“Exactly.”

“I think he’s only trying to help,” suggested James. 

Alice decided she would keep her thoughts on the matter to herself, at least until they found him.

“He’s been Imperiused,” she said, stepping back from the crumpled heap that was Sirius. “Badly, or he’s tried to fight it off, or both, but it’s the Imperius.”

“How can you tell?” James stood guard five or six feet away and looked back at the pair of them over his shoulder, one eye still scanning the area. 

“Eyes vacant,” she said, jabbing with her wand to demonstrate. “He’s struggling to control his own limbs. He isn’t talking, even though I’ve removed any charms that could be preventing him from talking. It suggests either the curse has gone wrong, or he doesn’t trust what it might make him say and this is the control he’s got.”

Sirius still didn’t say anything.

“Time to get him back to HQ,” said James. “Bloody idiot, Sirius, that’s what you are.”

“I love you,” Sirius mumbled. 

“Yeah, love you too, mate,” James replied.

“Nah,” said Sirius. “And her.”

James only raised an eyebrow at that as he tried to get Sirius to his feet. “And there I was telling Peter there was nothing going on,” he said. “Pete was right after all.”

“There isn’t anything.” Alice doesn’t like lying. James’ eyebrows shoot upwards, up underneath the mess of his hair. He doesn’t believe her, that much is obvious, and yet backtracking would make everything worse. 

“If you say so,” said James, before Apparating away with Sirius’ arm slung over his shoulder, leaving Alice to follow.

  
**6**

“I’m not ashamed of you,” she explained, feeling like she was doing a bad job of it already. “It’s just, well, we’ve never talked about what this is, other than the obvious, and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.”

“That makes sense,” said Sirius, in the tone of someone who’s lying through their teeth. Alice doesn’t like lying, but she does it often enough to know exactly what it sounds like. “Better not to jump to conclusions. Like the conclusion that I might not actually have a problem with our friends knowing about this.”

“Why do they need to?”

Sirius glared. Alice sighed. They’d had this conversation before. They’d got nowhere with this conversation before. 

“Why shouldn’t they? Give me one good reason why not, because I’ve got about a million reasons why they should.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not ashamed of you, for a start. I like you. You like me.”

They’ve had this conversation before.

“Why can’t we be something?” he continued, pressing on, and Alice wanted to leave the room. “It doesn’t have to just be this. It could be something else. I could take you to Hogsmeade? A proper date?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Can’t we just take this one day at a time?”

“Alright,” said Sirius. He isn’t happy.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“If you’re not going to change your mind, is it really worth apologising?”

“If you’re going to break your promises as quickly as you make them, are they really worth making?”

“I’m not doing this now,” Sirius said. “I’m not. I can’t.” He tried to get up from the sofa. 

Alice couldn’t do this now, either. 

“Don’t,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder to encourage him back down. “Stay. I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Me too.”

Alice sat down next to him, one hand stroking his arm, her head resting on his shoulder.

“Promise I won’t do this again,” he said. 

  
**7**

For once in his life, Sirius Black kept his promise. He stayed in line, did what Moody and Albus and Dorcas told him. He didn’t run off rashly in the middle of anything, he didn’t abandon the plan, he didn’t do anything he shouldn’t have. He kept his side of the bargain, perfectly.

And Alice couldn’t keep hers.

It wasn’t that she was embarrassed by him. Yes, he was rash and impulsive and frustrating, but it wasn’t as if anyone disliked him for it. He was younger than her, but not by much. He was the most beautiful man that’d ever paid any attention to her by a long way, and he told her he loved her. 

And yet she couldn’t say it back. She couldn’t. 

  
**8**

They weren’t together, not in that sense. Her and Sirius had never bothered to put a label on anything they were doing. So this wasn’t disloyal, not really, and, yet, it felt it. 

“You look beautiful,” said Frank, as they found seats in the crowded pub, and Alice blushed. Pink cheeks to go with the increased stabs of disloyalty.

“Thank you. You don’t look bad yourself.”

She’d accepted this date - why had she accepted this date? Because there hadn’t been a reason not to. Frank was two years older, a qualified Auror, polite and kind, not impulsive or spiky or anything like Sirius at all. The safe choice. The sensible choice. 

Her heart didn’t leap when she saw him, but it didn’t sink, either. Was that what it was supposed to feel like?

“Can I kiss you?” he asked. They stood in the street outside the Three Broomsticks, his face illuminated by a street light. Frank’s face, not Sirius’. She knew what her answer was.

“Yes,” she said. “Yes.”

There was something there.

“I should go,” she said, pulling away from Frank. “I… I’ll see you at work.”

She was barely home before she had an owl from Frank. He didn’t want to be presumptuous, he said, and he hoped this wasn’t too pushy, but he wanted to see her again, and did she feel the same?

Did she?

  
**9**

“You went on a date with Frank Longbottom.”

Alice didn’t see the point in lying. She didn’t even like lying. 

“Yes. I did.”

“Okay.” Sirius paced the room. “Were you going to tell me?”

“I am now, aren’t I?”

“Only because I asked.”

“That’s not it.” She sat down, frustrated, watching his progress back and forth, back and forth, like a caged animal. “It was only last night. It was a last-minute thing. We never discussed being exclusive to one another. I’ve not done anything wrong.”

“Fuck this,” said Sirius. “You’ve not done anything wrong.”

“I haven’t.”

“What about my feelings?” he asked. “What about how I feel?”

“Well, how do you feel?”

“How do you think?”

“You’re clearly not happy.”

Neither of them say anything for a moment. The worst part of this is that Alice sees his point. She wouldn’t like it if he’d done this. But he’d be within his rights to, because she hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I’m not happy, no. Why would I be happy? Why would I want this? I loved you.” He stopped in his tracks. “Do you love me?”

Alice didn’t like lying.

Was it a lie if she didn’t know?

  
**10**

They haven’t talked to each other in two weeks, outside of pleasantries in Order meetings. Alice wasn’t even sure why she was approaching him. It was none of his business. He’d made that clear, and she’d made that clear, and she didn’t need to talk to him at all.

Maybe she just wanted to. Maybe this was a terrible idea. 

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“How are you?” Their conversation was stilted right from the beginning, like they didn’t know each other at all. But he was the person that knew her best in the world. He knew the worst of her, just as well as he knew the best of her, and didn’t that mean something?

“Been better.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

She ran her hands through her hair, and flicked imaginary dust off her sleeve.

“Look, I’ve got something I think I should tell you.”

“Alright.”

There isn’t any point in delaying this any further.

“Frank’s asked me to marry him.”

“Yeah?”

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. Sirius leant against the wall, a badly-painted plasterboard backdrop for him. Alice picked imaginary dirt from under her fingernails.

“And what are you going to say?”

“I’ve said yes.”

More silence stretched between the two of them. This was it, Alice knew. They weren’t going to stay friends, probably couldn’t, even if they wanted to. She reached out a hand to touch his; he pulled away.

“Why?”

A million reasons, that was why. He was everything Sirius wasn’t. And Sirius was everything Frank wasn’t. 

“Give me a reason I shouldn’t,” she said. She was aware this was unfair, terrible, something that she should never be doing. “Give me a reason to stay.”

“Because I love you. I love you. Isn’t that enough?”

No. Maybe it wasn’t. 

“I’m sorry.”


End file.
